There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Whoa 😂
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
So the ex texted me
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.