People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story