A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Don’t snitch tag.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope