A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Note to self: always read the final line
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.