my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds