@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

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@JasonNotEvil

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

@marcusthetoken

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

@FishySnowborder

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@daemonic3

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.