You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts


Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you


Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?


*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*


[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
lemme see


lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?


I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.


Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.