You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
You Might Also Like
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters