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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Happy thanksgiving!
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn