We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”