Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!