I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
2022: I can fix it
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Duck typos.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables