I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?