The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’