If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.