Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
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Well, shit
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army