“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When he asks for feet pics
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.