A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Only short people can save us
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack