A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking