If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
What’s a Messi?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what