Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever