“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.