[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
life finds a way
getting old is fun
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs