Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
normalize having existential bread