Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
You Might Also Like
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Realize this:
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
When your man makes a valid point
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?