Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me