OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
the rocks need my help
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.