How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too