MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.