me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Fight
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.