Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.