I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
You Might Also Like
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.