Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Anime is real
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other