God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”