My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
You Might Also Like
The absolute effort that went into this omg
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.