My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
True
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.