‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what