Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.