me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
How software testing works
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.