I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Oh thanks BBC.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Human are so complicated
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
tourist season
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*