I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
It was worth a shot 😂
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Chicago sounds lovely.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Realize this:
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Life cycle of cat
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