I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
#DesignFail
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I’ve been learning to cook.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”