I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Pretty much! 😂👀
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.