Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
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“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Do not levitate over flowers
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.