Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
quarantine day 3
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
very niche meme I made
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.