“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.