“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Breaking news:
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
#Caturday
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?