My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
i meant to share this earlier
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…