It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend