Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Catercrombie & Fish
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
me when i see my girls butt
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.