Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
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I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.