I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
We’ve come full circle
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
This is a bad sign
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“That’s what” – She
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.