I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.