4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.