I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Saturday