What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
You Might Also Like
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
thanks auntie mary
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else