“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
twitter users today:
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
best review i’ve ever seen
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.