Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.