Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.