broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.