Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I finally found a reason to live again.