Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.